Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?