Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

This is a true ally.

work smarter, not harder

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

And that about sums it up.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

ㅤ

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.