[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.