Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair