[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.