[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
It kinda feels like this rn
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside