Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days