[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
mom had nothing to worry about
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
umm…
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?