Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

lmfao come on