Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
always be there
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.