Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly