Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The pen is writier than the sword.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.