(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Growing out my freckles.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations