Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus