Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
You Might Also Like
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?