Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

you’re damn right i have

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

But I really needed water water water

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast