Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Lmao the reply
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.