Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

I need to update my racial profile.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

🥴