Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Best mom ever 😂

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

🫡

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.