Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.