[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*checks Timeline*…
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice