Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

neighborhood watch

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin