“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.