“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it