[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.