[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down