[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
You Might Also Like
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Danger is very dangerous
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.