[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
cats when you pet them too long:
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
March 16
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When your diet is finally over.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.