Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles