[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.