[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
“You’d better run, egg!”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.