[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
socratic questions
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.