Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

ㅤ

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Me when I’m ovulating

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!