Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT: