[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.