Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I beg you to euthanise me
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever