Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.