[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I like crazy people until they notice me
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
OH. COME. ON.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo