Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.