@AndyAsAdjective

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

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@BonaFideIntent

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@toastymoe

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@johnfreiler

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

@chuuew

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”