[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
This made me smile…