Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”