Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping