Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

My birth announcement for our third baby

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.