Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”