[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]