Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road