Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Oh the world we live in…

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds