[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I mean…but I did
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
How can I say no to this ?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
This kid will have a bright future.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]