Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

#Caturday

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s