Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me