Teamwork makes the dream work.
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*