Teamwork makes the dream work.
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
@funTweeters
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
What do you hear?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
This kid will have a bright future.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I unironically love this joke.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.