Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
the rocks need my help
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.