Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.