@IGotsSmarts

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

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@MUMSIEesq

ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends

EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh

@Arrogant_Twat

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@Reverend_Scott

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

@Home_Halfway

BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired

@Barknado69

Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”