ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends
EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”
Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired
Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”