I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.
Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.