@IGotsSmarts

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

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@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@BoomBoomBetty

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

@Midgetspar

I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@clichedout

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

@Notoliviasteel

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

@AmericanGent69

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.