Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m the neighbor
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.