Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
LOOOOOOL
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
