*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Good morning
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.