*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
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The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Tier 3 meme
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Somedays I just love AI so much
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”