TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT![]()
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All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.