Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Ummm 😳
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Multitask? I can barely unitask
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]