Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Dune (2021)
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.