Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“no gods no masters” = leo
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.