Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.