Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Camping tip: No.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

remember

only for emergencies

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No