Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Best seat on the street 😍
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%