Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
shazam but for random noises outside
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers