Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.