Tech Twitter in a nutshell πππ
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Christmas decor isnβt meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Man: Youβre killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. π€
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Thoughts and Prayers arenβt working, itβs time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
βyou look easy to drawβ
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Iβm in the South. Iβm the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: Iβm not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?