Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The Joker was right
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom