Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.