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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
How did we not see this back then?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin