Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Saw this yesterday lol
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.