Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”