Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Before & after 😅

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”